How to overcome possessiveness in relationships?

It’s a very basic human tendency, “me and mine”. You look at every being; we will be bound by “me and mine”. That is exactly the factor that does not allow us to be liberated. The cause of most of our sorrows is “me and mine”. Just imagine a time when you do not have ownership. How will you feel? How will you feel if you don’t have any ownership? Possessiveness is a burden; it’s coming out of “me and mine”. 


But the fact is, you can’t own anything on earth. When you came here, you brought nothing. When you leave, you take nothing. So, at no point in time you can say you are the owner of something. You can keep something for some time, and that changes; it does not stay. It changes hands sometimes, or the thing itself changes. It changes form; it even disintegrates.

So many times, you know that you can’t hold certain things, and we have sorrows. I have seen people knowing fully well that a dog has a maximum of 15 years or 18 years of life, and when the dog dies, they become depressed. Of course, the connection you develop over 15 years is understandable. But also, we must remember, everything has its duration. What can you do?

The truth should always be remembered. We should remember the reality, the truth. If you remember the truth, you will not have so much pain in life. Most of the pains are connected to “me and mine”.

When does a relationship become really beautiful? 

A relationship becomes really beautiful when we set it free. Each expectation, each level of possessiveness, all these things, makes it painful, suffocating. We will be suffocated in the relationship.

When somebody loves you too much and owns you, how will you feel?

Suffocated. There is too much suffocation. 

Energy Exchange

Every interaction is an energy exchange. When we are talking to somebody, even thinking about somebody, there is an energy exchange happening. The nature of energy is to move to flow. That’s beautiful; if it flows, it’s beautiful. But when it starts stagnating or when you suppress it or strangle it, it becomes the opposite. Lack of freedom leads to pain. 


One thing you must always remember, as you walk the path of awakening, you are born free. You are always free, and you will always remain free. Then why do we not feel free? Why don’t we feel freedom? Do you feel freedom all the time? Why do we run away from something all the time? Why? 


Well, it is not necessarily fear. Fear is one aspect of it. But we have that inherent feeling in us, which tells us this is not right. Something which tells you that’s not right. What is not right? Whatever binds you is not right. Whatever suffocates you is not right because you are not to be bound; you’re free from inside.

Actually, all of us, all beings, are free by birth, and we will remain like that all through. Moreover, the preferences and the tastes and all our experiences are connected to our personal inclinations. The inclination is our driving force, the energizing force, the driving force is the inclination, and that is causing likes and dislikes. I’ll repeat, the inclination is our driving force, and that causes our likes and dislikes.

Some things we like and some we don’t, why? 

We can see that distinctly in children. There will be distinct likes and dislikes in children because they don’t hide it, but as adults, we try to accommodate other people; in the bargain, we suffer. We eat the wrong food.  

We have an inclination; the inclination is our driving force; inclination drives us. A person who has no inclination for a particular space will never stay there for a long time; even if he is forced, he will withdraw as soon as possible. Inclination causes all our experiences; there is an element of inclination, which is pushing us to do something even anger, hatred, love various aspects, everything has an element of inclination inbuilt into it.

What causes possessiveness?

Ownership causes possessiveness, and that’s actually a gross ignorance, the feeling that we can own and keep something with us forever. It’s not true. 

Today is our only reality; yesterday is already finished, and tomorrow has not happened. So, we can’t plan anything, or we can’t do anything else right now. Right now, this is the reality; we’re sitting here. An hour later, it is probably a different reality. And one hour later, it is a different reality. 

This is our life. 

We are going from one point to another point and another; we are flowing like this. And in this flow, we are experiencing different things.

What is the best way?

Experience it fully. Through acceptance, accept it, experience it, no conflict, no resistance. So, everything comes, everything goes. You can see this picture, like a boat floating on water and moving. You can see different sceneries on both sides, and you keep moving. This is exactly how life will be and should be. But if you stagnate, it’s painful. When you own – that relationship becomes painful. The more you are possessive, the more painful it is.

Transcribed by Ulla Bernholdt 

Proofread by Rekha Murali

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