Mohanji’s interview with Snezana Dakic, the Serbian TV presenter, on the topic of good relationships. The interview took place on 2nd Jun 2021.
The Right Partner in Good Relationships
Q: Please tell us how do we choose the right (love) partner and how do we know who the right person is for us?
Mohanji: Basically, it is frequency. Sometimes we connect to somebody out of infatuation, the looks, the presentation, or the personality. But that’s probably not the right partner. The right partner is somebody who meets us with the right frequency, which has more longevity.
The right partner always gives us our freedom to be ourselves. This is very important. Not “I love you, if you become something else”. It is not possible for us to become something else. We are what we are and what we can do is to adapt to some extent, but not completely change.
All the other people in the world are already taken; we cannot be somebody else. So, the right partner is somebody who allows you to be yourself and he/she is being himself/herself. This kind of compatibility happens with a high level of maturity and lack of ownership.
A true partner – a person whom you can live with, should have no ownership, and have a high level of compatibility through allowing that freedom, or the personality to be fully expressed.
Q: How do we give freedom to someone and what does that really mean and how do we receive that freedom? What does that mean in real life? How to feel the frequency – for normal people?
Mohanji: We are all unique beings. There is nobody like us. There could be similarities, but we are not the same. We are unique and we have great capacity as unique beings. If we start respecting the uniqueness in another or if we start respecting the uniqueness in ourselves, automatically we will start respecting the uniqueness in other people. If we can develop that level of respect, it automatically gives the freedom of communication and connection.
We are all unique beings. If we start respecting the uniqueness in another or if we start respecting the uniqueness in ourselves, automatically we will start respecting the uniqueness in other people.
Freedom is something natural when your connection is filled with respect, and that respect should be coming out of a great understanding of the uniqueness of the individual. Everybody, even a bird or an animal, is unique. Two leaves of the same plant are not the same, they are different. That uniqueness is something that must be understood.
The moment we start understanding the uniqueness, all we will have inside us is love, respect, compassion etc. That automatically gives the room for freedom. We respect the person as they are. We will not ask them to change for our sake. We allow the person to be free to be himself/herself.
Q: You don’t mean one is free to go and have other lovers and adultery? A lot of people think – if I let him go, he will go and find someone else. So, they stick with their partners, they put limitations, they are possessive…
Mohanji: That also tells the same thing. Sometimes we feel terribly insecure in a relationship. That is when we search outside for various options. But if you are very secure with yourself and very confident with your partner, there is no need for any kind of binding. We don’t have to bind anybody. That respect will keep people in their place, keep people connected.
The moment you start binding, it is only an expression of weakness. If we bind somebody, it only shows our insecurity, our weakness or lack of our self-esteem, or at least our inferiority or superiority complexes.
Q: How can we overcome that kind of a feeling – say somebody feeling weak & being possessive?
Mohanji: We can overcome these weaknesses by starting to love yourself, appreciating yourself, appreciating even your weaknesses. All of us have weaknesses. All of us have strengths. Appreciating does not mean you flaunt it or try to justify it. We understand that everyone has weaknesses. So, we start living with it, not fighting it or suppressing it. We live with it. When we live with it, it loses its momentum, its strength.
Q: Can we admit to our partner that we are feeling insecure that you don’t love me enough or that you would leave me?
Mohanji: I feel we don’t have to admit everything for the sake of forgiveness, for that itself is the weakness. If the partner has the right maturity, we can discuss everything. But by discussing something , if it will give more insecurity to the other person, better not to talk about those things. So it is case by case. There is no general rule for it.
But as a thumb rule, you must be very clear and open in all relationships. That doesn’t mean we cannot keep some of our secrets. We can keep secrets, but what we will tell others will depend on who is listening.
Q: How do we deal with adultery? A lot of people do it, but they still love each other, and their partner would like to keep relationships, but they cannot overcome or hardly can overcome it.
Mohanji: I believe that the social system today, the bindings, the restrictions, the demands that the social system creates, makes people feel insecure or they feel that something is lacking, or something is not there. Some of these things might be the reason for having to go outside this framework, which we call adultery or whatever. But I believe that the basic root cause is lack of something in our life. Then when somebody says that you can’t have that, we want the same thing. That stays on top of our mind.
Secondly, we are all looking for stability. We need stability in every relationship. But if two insecure people come together, both cannot give stability to each other. Like a blind man leading another blind man. So, we need to understand that the social system filled with restrictions, dogmas, concepts etc. makes us feel we must break free. When the system suffocates, people break free. This is human nature; we are like that.
Whether it is right or wrong, I would say that whatever is okay for your conscience is right and whatever is not okay for your conscience is not right, this is my feeling. Why do we have to do something that will affect our conscience? Because we feel the pressure, we feel the pleasure lies there and sometimes regret is the result.
We must always understand, or we must stand with all our actions and decisions. We must always know that we must answer only to ourselves that way. But we must always have a clear conscience because that is the immunity of our mind.
Q: So, do we admit adultery, say if someone has done adultery, is it okay to tell that person that he is actually hurting another person and that he is not supposed to?
Mohanji: That is again a situational question. It depends on the maturity of the other person. If the other person is extremely emotional, and he will become more of a mental wreck by what you say, then it is better that you keep it with you. However, as a matter of principle, avoid situations where you must justify yourself, or you feel compromised.
When you compromise, you are weak. When you are complementing a life, you are strong. So try to complement lives, not compromise all the time by doing bizarre or crazy things just for the sake of expressing whatever you are suppressing. It may create more agony rather than relief. Who you speak to, what sort of partner you have, how much accepting he or she is, that‘s the way our communication will be. It is individualistic. There cannot be a general rule for this.