Accept yourself – Trust yourself

Welcome to Mohanji Speaks.

My friends, we have spoken about so many things in the past few days.

Today, I would like to speak to you about a real-life incident that happened in my life, about 15 years ago; I was not known as Mohanji at that time.

I met one guy, a very, very successful businessman, and also a model. He has also acted in films. Very handsome, very successful, has his own yacht, various cars, and so many things. I met him at a party, and he somehow liked me and he said, “Can I speak to you?”

A seaside cafeteria during the Sunset

So we fixed a time, and then he picked me up from my office. He drove the car, and I was sitting in the car, a very, very expensive car. We went to the seaside and we sat in an isolated cafe. I ordered a juice; he ordered some drink, and we were sitting just looking at the sunset.

I didn’t bring up any conversation, as usual, I kept quiet; most of the time I don’t talk. So, I kept quiet. And he asked me, out of the blue without any introduction, “You’re a chronic introvert, aren’t you?” I said, “Yes!”

(He said,) “Me too, I can’t speak to people.  I don’t know how to interact with people. Whatever I am showing in this world outside, is just to camouflage my helplessness; I am always helpless. What I liked in you is, you have tremendous strength in your eyes. When I looked at your eyes, I felt a lot of strength. Somewhere, is a will of steel or something like that; but you looked very vulnerable in this whole party. I didn’t come and talk to you easily; then I kept looking at you and I realized that I must talk to you. So that’s how I came to you.”

Then he started telling me his story.

A broken family, sexual abuse in childhood; he couldn’t speak to anybody. He had wealth, his parents had wealth, but most of the wealth was stolen by his own uncles. He was humiliated in school, bullied in school; his girlfriend, first girlfriend, he had a girlfriend at the age of 15, and she cheated on him, cheated in the sense, she just went away without telling him. Like that.

He had a series of troubles and problems to say, and he started crying.

two friends chatting in a cafeteria
PC: Google images

Luckily, we were the only two people in that small cafeteria; and nobody was looking at us, so it was easier. And he said, “You know what, I didn’t have anybody to talk to. I went to a few counselors. I tried to talk to some religious people, and they only gave me some kind of solutions like, you do this offering in this church, go to this place or that place. But nothing worked. Basically, I’m still crying inside. Many times, I thought of committing suicide. To the outside world, I’m very rich; I have a lot of wealth. I have organizations, people are working for me, but I’m so insecure; I don’t know how I live another day.”

Then he said, “You know what, whenever I look at myself; I see ugliness. I do not feel that I’m worth it; I have a very, very big problem with my self-esteem. I have complexes; I’m hiding all of that with my money, and with certain things which will camouflage me from all this.

But I’m really afraid of the world.

I’m really afraid of the people; I fear that they will hurt me. I have relationships, but I’m afraid of women. I feel they will betray me; I can’t trust anybody. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who to believe, to be with. I have a big ocean of friends, as you saw, but they are not my friends. They are just like acquaintances. And I don’t feel anything for anybody; I am pretty lonely. 

I did marry twice; it didn’t work, I left it. I do have friends and girls; I do have relationships; I do have sexuality, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust anybody; I don’t trust my wealth; I don’t trust any of the things I have, my companies, nothing! I have literally picked up myself from a disaster situation where my uncles were taking away our wealth when my parents died. And I built up everything from ashes, but I did build up. But I don’t feel proud, I don’t feel anything.”

It was an utter sorry state. How to respond? How to react?

How to make him accept himself, which was a big question mark.

He has already been to the most expensive consultants of the world; mood changers, game-changers, motivational people; he’s been everywhere. And he couldn’t really get anything out of it.

He said, “I had various experiences with various people, I paid immense money for that. It was only for some time; there was no transformation inside.”

Then I asked him, “How do you think I can make a difference? I’m a chronic introvert. I’m not a motivational speaker; I’ve never motivated people that way. I lead a life of purity and honesty as much as possible. I have my vulnerabilities. I’m also afraid of the crowd because the crowd has hurt me; people have betrayed me just like you said. How do you think I can help you?”

Then he said, “One thing we have in common; you are an introvert, I am an introvert, so we can understand each other. I don’t need a solution right now. I’m not asking you for a solution, but I’m just asking you for some clarity.”

So, I said,

“The clarity is you. That’s it!”

He said, “That’s it?”

(I said), “Yes, that’s it. It’s you. Whatever you think you are, that’s exactly what you’re experiencing.” 

(He asked,) “So, how do I make a difference?”

I said, “Through acceptance. The past has to be put in its place, buried if possible.” 

Then he asked, “How do I trust people?” 

I said, “Trust yourself, that’s only the only person you need to trust. Outside people are outside people, you have them and you do not have them. It’s basically you. When you are awake, you have them. When you’re not awake, when you’re sleeping, you don’t have them. So there is only one person you need to trust, it is you.”

He asked me, “Is it that simple?” 

I said, “I think so.”

He asked me, “How do you handle your life?”

I said, “I don’t want to bring my story to you now, because you’ve been telling your story, which was quite intense, so why should I tell you mine?” He said, “No, no tell, I want to hear!”

So, I told a bit about ‘the tragedies’ I experienced in my life: neglected childhood kind of thing, a bit of feeling unwanted, then difficult to position as an introverted person in the society; and then being forcefully extroverted with activities just to prove to myself;  and of course, finding some success there as well.  

Then lack of direction, lack of goals, lack of vision, a kind of abandoned state in youth. Then jobs, some success, a lot of hard work, working hours and hours, self-destructive levels of working, and finally, finding some success in work – recognition.

Betrayals in work, competition, jealousy, those kinds of things.

Then a marriage that didn’t work, loss of a child, loss of property, loss of wealth, loss of job, and physical ailments. Then trusting people; they betraying, stabbing from behind.

Giving everything to people to make them happy; because I believed that it’s my responsibility to make everybody happy who loves me, and they took it for granted. Some people literally betrayed using the trust that I had in them. All these things, it’s been a strange life.

I said, “I have always been alone. I walked alone. And whenever I felt people were trying to own me, I ran away.”

He said, “Yes, I did the same. I’m afraid of people owning me. This is what I wanted to talk to you. I don’t like people owning me.”

I said, “Because nobody can own us. It’s not a problem; it’s not a fault. You cannot own anybody nor can anybody own us.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes! That makes sense to me!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the truth.” Then he said, “What else?”

I said, “It’s you. It’s you and you and you! I don’t exist for you.”

He looked into my eyes, “What do you mean?”

I said, “You’re seeing me now. After four or five hours, where am I? Where are you? You don’t even know where I’m living, do you? We have no guarantee we will meet again. Do you think so? Do you believe it?”

He said, “Yes, yes, there is a possibility we may not meet again.”

And I said, “That’s a reality. What is my value in your life right now? I’m just pointing one finger to you. I am telling you to look at yourself. You are beautiful. 

Trust yourself.

You can only trust yourself. Don’t betray yourself. You cannot trust the world.

The world has its highs and lows, ups, and downs. The world has its moods, its ethics, its character, consciousness, and levels of acceptance. Nothing can be guaranteed from this world. But we saw all our insecurities; all of our complexes, all our fears. We have seen them, we experienced them, and we are experiencing them, even now.

Look into my eyes closely, what do you see?”

Mohanji

He said, “My own reflection.”

I said, “That’s the only truth. You are alive, you exist. That’s all you need to know. Now let’s go. Let’s part.”

By that time, it was about 7 pm. He said, “I’ll drop you.” I said, “Yes, just drop me at the bus stop, I’ll catch a bus.” He drove me to the bus stop.

While traveling he said, “I want to give you something. I asked him, “What?” “A cheque!” he said. I asked, “For what?” “For giving me time, and I feel good; I’m sure I will change. Thank you for your time.”

And then he wanted to give me a blank cheque. He said you can write your amount. It doesn’t matter.

I said, “Thank you. I don’t need your cheque; thank you for the drink, thank you for the time we are together. When you want, you come; but don’t come, I would say, you find yourself if you can.”

Then he told me, “One day I will come to you; that time, you will own me.”

I laughed and I said, “I can’t own anybody. Not even myself.”

He said, “No! One day, I will come to be with you, to work with you. I know you will become famous; I can see that in your eyes. I have this acumen for knowing people because I do business. I know you will become very rich, very powerful one day. You will be famous. I’ll be with you at that time.”

I said, ”Thank you.”  And we parted.

I hope you enjoyed this story. Think about it. This is our life too. All the best.

Transcribed by Ulla Bernholdt

Proofread by Padmini Ravikumar & Shyama Jeyaseelan

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